Kal-El

ok so i know i have another blog.. but theres only so much u can write in the little space they offer...

so i guess ill come here at times..

anyway i woke up this morning, had a shower, and tried on my new clothes and just started dancing in them!! o it felt gret.. and even though it was only for like 2 minutes (so i wont sweat cuz its so FUCKING hot today!) it still gave me this empowered feeling.. i think i feel a little better today!

i love my new clothes and my new car!

well i guess i feel a little better now... i went out and spent 300 dollars on clothes.... OH how i love shopping!!! and i feel like a god!!!

fuck you all!

will i ever feel better again... i was looking for swing and salsa videos online.. and then i came up with this video labeled "bust video" i was like "huh"

so anyway i watched it.. and it was a hidden cam of 2 people about to go at it and then suddenly the guys gf comes in and starts screaming and crying.. like full on heart wrenching sobs.. and every one of those noises was like a fucking knife stabbing my chest.. and all the confidence iv gained over the past few months is gone..

and now i feel hurt and alone again.. and its not fucking ok..

i mean.. i was doing alot better and i was starting to feel better and conquer some of my deeper insecurities NO ONE knows about.. i mean NO ONE.. im talking shit that would get me locked away. and i was dealing.. and now this shit happens.. i guess im a little more fragile hat i thought...

fuck...

will i ever get better?

sorry i havnt been poting here much... i do have another blog somewhere else.. and its really simple to use.. u write very very very short clips of stuff.. and its nicer to manage..

and the dreams keep comming.. and they are more frequent...

and my ocd is back... and theres gonna be hell to pay...

im tired.. i just want to sleep now..

im very fucking angry today.. i dont specifically know why.. but iv been getting head rushes like before.. and road rage in a way i have never known it..

i think it could be partly cuz my dad is leaving again.. i mean what the fuck?? first elka then dad.. who the fuck is next?

monday was tiring.. i dont remember much except that dancing was fun..

we did intermediate salsa, and at one instance i did so many salsa spins that i had to stop for a bit cuz i was so dizzy..

at the end of last night elka decided she could make sense out of my previous entry, but she still hasnt explained it to me.. so im starting to get really frustrated about that..

dad also decided to take me aside and talk to me about how i need to do something in his honour and bla bla bla... i hate that.. unfortunately he knows just what buttons to push.. he knows id do anything for him, and he used that against me.. o well.. whatever..

so anyway for tuesday.. i dont know how my car survives at all with me behind the wheel, but i did a whole lotta driving and it still runs, so thats good..

after work today i went straight to gaelan's place.. it was on the other side of the city, but even so it only took me half an hour to get there :D :D :D :D

we went out and bought takeout (asian) and got 2 movies (bloodrayne, and something else) and we watching a little bit of mirrormask, which is a really good movie.. but we didnt finish watching it..

it was a trippy ride i must say.. i crossed under 1 bridge.. a single bridge!!!, and the whole world changed, from nice straight clean streets lined with cars and people with nice clothes, to a world of potholed roads, littered with garbage and hippies.. and crappy cars..

on the way back my dashboard lit up all by itself.. its strange..

i guess thats all just what happened to me...

but heres for what happened inside me:

im finally starting to figure out that how to deal with being short tempered and agitated.. its a slow lesson, and its fucking hard, but ill get there.. with time..

so lately iv been having these weird dreams...

i dream im superman (surprise surprise, but hear me out)... and im hovering over the world, like only the last son of Krypton can...

so anyway im there and im sad, because i can hear the whole planet.. i can hear everyone and see everything... from people fighting in china, to couples dancing in australia, to crickets chirping in brazilian villages...

but with that sadness theres some kind of happiness.. a love for this fragile little planet.. and i smile...

and all the while in the background theres a coldplay song playing..

and suddenly i gaze on my little adopted planet, and with my eyes i burn it all up to a cinder.... the whole world burns before my eyes.. at my will...

and something (me) inside of me cries and screams for the loss.. but all i can do is look down at what once was a bringer of life, and smile a sad, defeated smile...

and with that i fly slowly away into the darkness of the galaxy...

i think i actually heard it literally click together inside my head.. it was like one of those shampoo bottle caps that u can actually click into one place and it wont move anywhere else without lots of force...

almost as loud as a gun cocking in the silence of death, but as low as a pin dropping on a varnished floorboard....

same concept here...

weird...

so to elaborate on the previous message..

elka not only talked to me today, but forgave me...

things that i didnt expect to happen tonight happened... miracles..

who the hell am i kidding, i still love her..

i cried for the first time in 2 years 9 months and 28 days today...
she told me she loves me...
and i have never felt worse in my entire life..

tonight im somewhat glad i have ocd.. i was about to go to bed at 9ish.. but, like always i have to check my email at least a couple of times.. but tonight i wasnt feeling so good, i had a huge headache and a high fever.. so i cranked up the heater and went to bed real early.. but i checked my email one more time..

and lo and behold she was on... we talked heaps.. more than we have in weeks.. and it just fucked me over all over again.. feeling guilty for hurting someone, and then talking to them about it really sharpens the knife.... the guilt was immense... i told her EVERYTHING... and i took 3 panadol tablets which took a coupla hours to kick in and get rid of the fever..

but.. i dunno.. i havent cried in ages.. u expect it feel good and liberating, and it does for a bit... but then i remembered why i was crying and it just started gushing.. it hurt so bad!

anyway, she really is one in a million.. i just.. well u guys know me, im the impatient kind..... i hate this... and if u dont really know me just prompt me and i just might tell ya..

but right now i am extremely tired.. and hungry, because i decided to starve myself today.. and my eyes hurt alot for some reason..

later dayz

FUUUUUUUUUCK

i told her everything today, i lost a little bit of myself, and i lost a little bit of my innocence, and i lost a good friend, im such a dick, but it had to be done.. the trust was gone!

it hurts, but the good thing about hurt is that it always goes away.. a small part of me still wants her to call me tonight.. like i said, she was a good friend..

well, its not the first time i lost a good friend for a stupid mistake...

on a lighter note i bought a wedding card for Sueleen and got everyone at the office to sign it and gave it to Sueleen's friend... so that was fun!

later days

Work was good today.. i ended up training someone, so i was really excited about that.. everything was good and dandy...

i bought dad a wireless presenter, and i guess he wasnt as happy with it as i thought he might be, but he liked it so that was good..

i remembered when i walked in that i forgot to close the mega's for the day.. so i drove back to work, i was there at 7:30ish, closed the mega's and came back home...

i havent talked to Elka today.. but i certainly felt something shifting... i feel like im gonna have another dream tonight.. but even so, something major changed today.. i just have to figure out what..

im tired now and i have work early tomoro morning..

cyaz


i just HAVE to tell her... its driving me nuts... i thought i was satisfied but i aint..

fuck...

iv lied a bit, but im happy...

i hurt someone i like to help someone i love today.. and im completely at ease with that..

Elka and I broke up a while back, and i was ok for the first few days, but then after a while i began to go nuts.. i dont know who out there knows me or is reading this at all, but just let me tell u, i dont dream much, but when i do dream, it is significant.. and i started dreaming about her with someone else, so i went off on a tangent and went completely nuts.. so, i took my ocd which returned after elka left, and gave it a form..

Jon once told me that it wasnt good that my ocd had left, and it would come back in another form, so i gave it form, i split my personality down the middle and started giving myself advice, but the dreams kept comming.. so after a constant week of advice, i came to the conclusion that:

a) she fell out of love with me, and thats fine, cuz its her decision
b) we only knew each other for a few months, and at least we're still friends
c) she now likes someone else, thats fine cuz we arent a couple


so, on another note, i went dancing on monday (cha cha lessons) and i had loads of fun... and i met up with Kat again.. she's really kool and we used to hang out at high skool...

now, iv always liked kat, and now, im thinking maybe i should pursue that, she's not up herself, and i like her..

so tonight as i was talking to Elka, it struck me.. Eureka!!!

i gave advice to myself, through her, directed at her.. so basically i said everything that was on my mind, and encorporated it to any relationship, and made enough emphasis to help her out... i dont know why i feel this strong need to help her out.. but i cant say that i didnt think about kat while talking to elka...

so anyway, that was a job well done, a night gone well...

so now, im single again,
after a girl who probably wont want me,
finally working but savings still not going up,
my ocd back,
and feeling the strong need to help someone again...

but.. i guess im satisfied, so what more do i want

:P

i cant sleep, i cant eat properly, i cant think.. and i dont like it here.. i dont want to move out, i dont want to stay.. i dont know whats wrong with me..

and so i think that the logical explanation is that im homesick for a place that doesnt exist.. i have a nostalgia for a time that never happened, and a longing for an impossible future.

ok so im feeling better than i did this morning, but that still doesnt mean i have a job, or a clean room...

a few weeks ago i realized that the only way to grow and prosper is to get out of this crazy family and live alone.. but i cant.. i dont have the money, and i need to take care of my brother, and i want to inherit the 4-wheel drive when my parents leave!!!

so now im back to square one.. and so im open to suggestions... anyone know where i can get a good job??

im tired..

its 4:40 am and thats all i can think.. im just tired

im tired of looking for a job, applying and being rejected job after job.. i dont have retail experience, or travel consultant experience, or selling experience, or cooking experience...

i dont have any experience at all... and im just tired.. i miss elka, i miss daniel and jon, and im just a bit down right now...

theres this little thing i have full of these nails and u can make little contours of ur hand and stuff.. well i made one of my face, and its just been sitting there for the past coupla days and iv been thinking... is that all i am right now? just a bunch of nails sticking out of an inanimate object..

please excuse me for getting philosophical for a minute there.. but we all need to vent sometimes..

on the plus side i bought a bookcase a few days ago so im happy about that.. well, was happy, now its just part of the mess in my room..

im tired.. i need to sleep..

ok so im back from my holiday now...

iv actually beem back for just under 2 weeks...

things are looking ok, ill try to update regularly again..

maybe someday ill go back and post about my holiday too, it wasnt very good, but it still had its good moments..

well, ill update later

i was just thinking about it...

and i want a t-shirt that says "Geek in Training"

absolutely NOTHING has been happening the past few days so i leave u with this:

One day i will be a psychologist and therapist... and i alone will put the fun in disfunctional!!